Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one. A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 46
What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept a pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.
MYSTERIOUS PARADOXES
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This is powerful for me too as I am coming up on 9 months sobriety. 9 months ago I did not want to live but today I had one “sour hour” where everything I looked at or thought about seemed to make my mood worse.
Then I thought about the 30 years I’ve spent drunk or dry drunk and one bad hour doesn’t seem so bad by comparison. Slowly but surely the wall I’ve put up between me and God is shrinking. I now realize the value of all the work I’ve put into the 12 steps. I can now swallow some of my STUFF instead of choking on it. I couldn’t even walk through the door on my first visit to A.A. I had seen many of the faces there at the bar or staggering down the highway, boy were THEY the hipocrites, now I know it was my wall not them. I’m a terminal introvert and being around people is VERY hard for me but I have made my self stick around the meeting and at least try to say something to someone. Now I have done what I thought I could never ever do, the fourth and fifth step, what power, I started to see myself in a new light, and I can do something about myself. I’m on step 12 now, how powerful is that? I don’t deserve this.
@Randy: Fine until the last line.
Randy is right. I don’t deserve this gift of sobriety either.
To quote one of our old timers: “You’re God D*** right you don’t deserve this; but that’s why it’s called Grace. It’s divine, unmerited assistance. I am sober today courtesy of the love and grace of a higher power and the company I keep.”
We now know what we have, and we can look back clearly and see where we were. Like jumping to safety mere seconds before a bridge collapses, we see how we’ve been spared when maybe others weren’t. That’s why we do this thing….because we have to in order to stay alive ourselves.
Thanks for reminding me Randy.
I agree with AinV. If you put in the work with honesty, openness, and willingness, you do deserve recovery, but, you are not entitled to it.
Thanks anon4941 that’s just what I needed to hear right now. 20 years ago I used to sit in meetings and think ” If I hear just one more quaint old saying I’m going to walk out”. NOW I treasure them up for times when I really am going crazy, NOW they make sense and usually save my ass.
This is such a wonderful program. Where else could I have made such a wreckage of my past, come totally defeated, sit in a room feeling all alone and find out I’m not alone.
Then, receive a gift of tools to help me dump all my baggage I’ve been holding on to like a prized possession. Once I realized I didn’t have the answers, a door opened and life started to get better.
I went back to a treatment center for a meeting last night. How awesome it is to see the lights come on in their eyes each week.
We all deserve this deal, as long as we’re honest and do the work. Pass it on.
RickJ – IA
I may very well be; I think I am a living paradox.
Definition of Paradox: A statement, proposition, or situation that seems to be absurd or contradictory, but in fact is or may be true.
Left to my own devices by now I would be a baffling mental incompetent because that’s what alcohol in the long term may do.
I might be “living under the bridge”.
I might very well be dead because that’s what alcoholism, untreated will do.
I might be suffering from incomprehensible demoralization.
Instead I am a functioning and useful member of the human race, an important part of my family and community and a devoted participant in Alcoholics Anonymous.
With God’s help, by his grace, I am growing in heart and spirit to love him with all my heart soul and to love my neighbor as myself.
A living paradox?
Yes!
I’m Harry, happy alcoholic. – Georgia, USA.
This was, and continues to be the miracle of AA in my life. I had never even thought about not drinking, as it had become so intertwined in everything that i did. Then after a particularly intense weekend bender, my heart was racing on a saturday morning while I was just sitting in a reclining chair. Scared the crap out of me. Made a doctors appointment for Tuesday and said i would not drink in the interim. Couldn’t do it. Had three vodka drinks Monday night. Next day I was honest about my drinking to my doctor and he said, you need to stop drinking, try AA.
I went to a meeting that night, March 1, 2011. In a week I will celebrate my 1 year anniversary. I went from being an everyday black out drinker to a person who now can look himself in the mirror and like what he sees, a person whose sister lets him drive her kids in the car, a person who goes to work not worrying if he smells of alcohol from the night before (or the morning drink towards the end), and although life still throws out challenges, I am facing them sober and with the help of my AA brothers and sisters.
I found this site early (during my 90/90 I think) and it helped tremendously. Sorry I haven’t checked in for while but been going to a lot of meetings, working the steps and trying to be of service and pass it along when I can.
If you are just coming around, stick with it. It works. AA saved my life and I am so grateful.
Great day all.
Here’s the paradox for me. The woman I love is in detox, The last woman I loved has called for help and my best friend in recovery is floundering! WTH? God has blessed me with another sunrise and another day of recovery. Who Am I to help anyone? My past is my greatest asset! Wow! Tears of joy again! I talked to another great female friend in recovery last night and soon there’ll be a women’s meeting up north here where recovery was once sparse. New meeting tonight(4 weeks old) and more to come. AA was there for me, I’m grateful it will be there for others. Recovery is awesome! Coming up on 2 years, ye ha! and it just keeps getting better! Have an awesome day and enjoy another day clean!
My paradox – A few weeks ago I shared my relapse story in meeting for a guy who came back from a relapse – my bitter experience. I have become sober by hearing the bitter experience of others. Who would have thought that heartbreaking, bitter stories could give strength and hope and sobriety? Yet that’s what happens and it is paradoxical.
Shrin, alcoholic, from India
I am nourished by the experience of people in early sobriety. The destruction and loss inflicted by alcoholism is so fresh in their memories. They are soldiers reporting back from the front lines, eye witnesses to the end game of this illness. Just as fresh and vivid is their account of the metamorphosis that unfolds in their minds, bodies and spirits as sobriety takes hold. As they describe every twist and painful unfurling, each drift through dark emptiness or sunlit stillness as their new selves emerge, I am there again, breathing it. In the comfort and stability of longer-term sobriety, I gaze upon the tranquil sea of my consciousness, remembering the days of storms and shipwrecks. Not wanting them, but recalling their power with wonder and awe. Zuzu in Cancun, Mexico, beholding the turquoise bay, ever mindful of the red flag fluttering
Inspiring Zuzu! Thank you!
The butterfly is one of the mantras for us drunks and addicts. The denizen of complete terror and hopelessness is like the cocoon from which we emerge as beautiful people. Conny
I thank God every day for the divinely inspired program of AA.
Along with Zuzu I am warmed by the bravery of the new comers to meetings. It was hard for me to leave my old life behind. Fear dogged my every step. I remember well my life of deception, dishonesty, depression and self-loathing, all fueled by a fear I thought I would have to suffer the rest of my life. And why, in God’s name, would anyone want to hold onto THAT?
I find it amazing that I, along with all my fellow sufferers, never made the connection between the insanity of my life and active alcoholism.
Now that I look at life through the clear lenses of sobriety I know that my first choice, each and every day, is to ask for the spiritual help needed to successfully navigate the sometimes rocky shoals of life. And, I actually enjoy my somewhat normal (as if normal could actually be defined beyond the setting on a dryer) life.
Who woulda thunk that this former self-obsessed former wreck would actually look forward to each and every day in the expectation of good things?
Peace to all who walk the spiritual road of AA!
Mysterious paradoxes! Almost two years ago, I crawled through the doors of AA. It was a noon meeting that would become my home group. My last drink was at 3 that morning and I reeked of odorless vodka! That evil juice, vodka!
I was compelled to name myself as an alcoholic. I was ready to surrender everything and seek a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity, if it wasn’t too late already. Then, I was surrounded by people who told me it would be okay if I did certain things and kept coming back.
That day is still hazy for me except for the feeling of absolute surrender and that i was “home”. The pink cloud has come and gone (make the most of that time!) And now I am in the “working it” phase that will last my lifetime, just for today.
Maggie, seeker/trudger
Good morning everyone.
Maggie hit the nail on the head for me. She surrendered to the program and its principles. I have found that the people in AA can make mistakes and let me down but the principles of AA are timeless and true. They will never let me down……of course I have to incorporate them into my life by working the steps in all my affairs.
Maggie is a winner because she surrendered….crazy eh!
Reyn from Kelowna BC Canada
I drank at all cost. I didn’t realize it then, but everytime I went into the bar I paid for that next drink with my family, freedom, friends, future, my dignity, my identity, and the list goes on… When I got to AA I was broke in all aspects of my life. Today I thank God for that! I had to “surrender to live free.” As I worked through the steps God has opened my eyes. He has slowly, but surly given me back all that I had traded for that next drink. AA is a gift. A gift form God. I love this program.
hi friends lately i have been stumbling slacking not do any foot woork i need prayer i am bitter agin i need the program moor nomw than ever i shut my sponser out yesterday afternoon waas the first time i had been to a meeting in to weeks thanks all
Hi Matt
Thanks for that!
Thrilled you reached out this morning, brother.
I am with you as are all of us.
We are all here for you now just as others have been for us.
Let’s keep it simple- don’t drink, clean house, help another.
Just for today.
Works for me.
Tom
Tom
thanks tom I need to be reminded some times i get a little to comfterable in my program thats when i stop talking and listening to my higher power stop going to enough meetings stop useing the numbers i have thank you all for your sharing and experince strength and hope
This passage is incredibly powerful for me. What a beautiful illustration of darkness and light. I struggle with my own stuff, but i have hope, and just holding on to that is enough for me sometimes. Sometimes I need more as in other A.A’s- its all apart of it though. Hope, fellows, Higher Power, for me anyways. I am grateful.
I to like hearing from the newer peeps. I need that reminder that my problems today are just part of life. The difference is I got the freedom to deal and work through them today. I remember when you first came around Mike. I would look forward to read your post everyday. Its great to here your doing well. Thank you all for helping me start my day off on a positive note.
Alcoholic in Minneapolis,
Jason
Dear online AA members.
Just want to thank you for all your shares. It helps me every morning. We are all amazing paradoxes. In a meeting yesterday a gentlemen shared that he was a blackout drinker and the only memory he has of his long career as an alcoholic was a Kiss concert. He said his first sponsor in early sobriety told him that at every stop light and stop sign to tell himself he was a good person. In all sincerity he then said I am now a great person through AA. That gave me hope!!
Tree, are you okay? You sounded so formal, not like yourself.
Just checking.
Hi Maggie
Thanks for noticing. I guess I am just having an off day today. I pray constantly for the obsession of alcohol to be lifted but I guess its just not happening fast enough for me. I want that pink cloud. I know in my mind that alcohol does not make things better but I want my heart and gut to know it too. I totally can relate to what Mike M said . “I had never even thought about not drinking, as it had become so intertwined in everything that i did.” However, I am amazed at how much more my life is manageable with out alcohol. I guess I am just feeling a sense of loss. I put a restraining order on my partner of 16 years as it was not a healthy relationship and it was getting in the way of both of our sobriety. Its been over 1 1/2 months since i have seen or talked to him. So I guess I feel somewhat guilty and saddened by the whole situation. I have to let it go and pray that God takes care of him. I guess I am also very angry that I am an alcoholic. I didn’t think I was because I was always highly functional. My mother always warned me about alcoholism because her father and a few brothers were alcoholics. But as we all know this is a progressive disease. So as you can see I have all of the symptoms of HALT except I am not hungry. I have so much to be grateful for. So I must get out of this funk I am in. I am going to a meeting tonight with my sponsor. Once again thanks for thinking of me and taking the time to write. I just keep repeating to myself “One day at a time” One day at a time”
Now there’s the Tree we know and love! I can identify with you so much, I was also very highly functioning until I wasn’t . We are all on a journey of our own, so even though you’re struggling, you are gaining everyday. Hang in there, keep posting and I pray that the desire to drink leaves you.
Thanks!! I will because I am worth it! (tears of emotion and awareness)
Hey Tree. Not much is said about the L in HALT. We seem to gloss over it and focus more on hungry, angry, tired. Before I got to AA I never thought there was a cure for loneliness. You either were or you weren’t and if you were, all you could do is wait for someone “right” to come into your life. It is not just about connecting with the Fellowship through meetings and sponsors and sponsees. AA tells us to go out and find someone even lonelier than we are, and spend some time with them. If you know someone in a nursing home, there can be so much loneliness there, or someone who is confined to home because of illness or disability. These connections are not intended to be a substitute for being with someone you adore and cherish. But they are a damned good cure for loneliness. Tree Hugger Zuzu
Thanks Zuzu! You are absolutely right. About 6 months ago I joined a charity called Share a Pet. You take your pet to different nursing homes, hospitals, and rehabilitation centers. Talk about loneliness and despair. It was a wonderful experience but I stopped in the New Year as so much was going on. But I need to schedule it back in my life again. It humbles me and leads me to gratitude.
Tree, It’s normal to grieve the loss of our good friend alcohol. This too shall pass!
Thanks Danimal!!!
I think I’m reasonably happy. I don’t know. It seems like I’m always on the fences with myself. My biggest challenge is my wife. I’d rather be sober though. I’d rather hand it over to the power greater than myself. I always want more of something. I need to stop that. I’m grateful more than I’ve ever been for what I have. I think I need excitement, adventure. Well that’s enough. Peace I pass.
Good stuff this morning!
Paul Keno, Oregon
@Randy… Says who you don’t deserve all the love and brotherhood from the program. Everyone deserves it, but the must surrender to find it. Congrats on taking that step.
Thanks John N and AinV
It’s such an unconscious thing for me to feel undeserving, it was literally beat into me. I’ve just got to get off my unconscious soap box. Then I need to let more people into my life and tear down the wall between me and God I’m sure I’ll be able to look back like so many others who commented today and laugh at the paradox. This web site is so good for me! In meetings I can’t speak up or put two thoughts together. I thank everybody for being here and listening.
@Randy: “In meetings I can’t speak up or put two thoughts together”
So you think you are different!!?
…you’re headed in the right direction…
(right/wrong? Grace?)
@Danimal…. Here is another paradox, giving of yourself and helping those who suffer will actually help you.
Hi, this is kt an alcoholic, i have to say this out loud, because for along time i did not want to be honest with myself. Now i know i need to be honest w all of u and myself. For me i see changes in acceptance, because i am able to say it and know that my hp God helped me get better and maybe give me a purpose in life, besides living in a world all about me. Worrying where the next vodka ( maggie described) vodka well how i too drank. We r off road now and mtgs today to help kids. Grateful to read posts. New people welcome and thank you for sharing. Kt off road alcoholic
Hey family. Great shares today. Just got done chairing a meeting. Always love the feeling I get after. We are all deserving of a better life! I believe in each of you!!
~A~ on cape cod