We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. Alcoholics Anonymous Pages 77 – 78
I made amends to my dad soon after I quit drinking. My words fell on deaf ears since I had blamed him for my troubles. Several months later I made amends to my dad again. This time I wrote a letter in which I did not blame him nor mention his faults. It worked, and at last I understood! My side of the street is all that I’m responsible for and – thanks to God and A.A. – it’s clean for today.
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My sponsor told me that if I did not stay sober long enough to gain a little credibility there was no need in making any direct demands.
That’s where the process of living amends comes in.
He said if people had not learned to trust me they would not believe me when I said I was sorry, etc.
He reminded me that after all, I had done this numerous times prior to entering into recovery and it had come to where no one believed me.
I suppose that must be the reason that the amends steps are way down the line and after a good bit of spiritual experience.
A lot of people have made the astute observation probably garnered from experience that the steps are in order for a reason.
I’m Harry, a grateful alcoholic.
Correction of first sentence in previous posting:
My sponsor told me that if I did not stay sober long enough to gain a little credibility there was no need in making any direct amends.
Please accept this amends.
Harry
Thanks Harry! Your amends are accepted! I look forward to your comments each day.——-they are enlightening.
Janice
tee hee heeee
I kinda like the “First” phrasing of your writing Daddy-o
Just kidding!
Amends, amends,amends. When do they end?
The tenth step says “when” we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Doesn’t say “IF”. Sounds like to me that it’s a guarantee we knucklehead alcoholics “might” mess up a time or two.
So, I am willing to stay as grounded as possible in the steps, which to me means stay as centered as possible with God as my understanding.
I am new in this life of recovery, and I am attending daily morning meeting, and other weekly meetings at the noon hour, then some in the evenings.
I should find my bumper sticker which was bought several years ago at a Roundup….”This vehicle stops at all meetings”. That is how it feels these days. Nothing wrong with that!
I also like a bumper plate on a significant person’s car, it has been there for a decade or two…”Easy Does It”
I was told just yesterday after a meeting… “Don’t be so hard on yourself” . Maybe an amends is in order to myself.
I’m Kathy, alcoholic. Grateful daughter in recovery
My sponsor told me to start living amends immediately. So, on my own, I did a brief and lone study of Step 10 in the BB and the 12×12. I feel comfortable that the 10th Step says “Continued” meaning I had already been doing it in some fashion.
My sponsor also calmed my wailings about getting to the ninth step right away… It can wait until I get there.
Just like “one day at a time”, “stay on your side of the street” is not a no brainer. I grew up looking ahead and tried to help others (a certified rescuer). One day at a time fortunately has kept me in the present and helped me not look far ahead. It was a hard lesson for me – but I am growing into it.
Staying on my side of the street means that I need to keep out of other peoples business and not try to save them from themselves. It means I don’t know what is best for them.
It used to be – tell me a problem and I fix – or I’ll die trying! No good, for me or them.
Staying on my side of the street means I have a purpose and a place to be. My place is in AA at the tables. I was a wreck in need of reconstruction.
I have been given a broom and I’m learning how to use it.
Thanks guys!
Apologies mean nothing from me unless they are followed immediately by action! How do I validate my amends to my mother? By being a good daughter, letting her see me happy (that’s all she ever really wanted), and being a good mother. How do I validate my amends to my former spouse? By being a polite and respectful ex-wife, honoring his marriage and family, and keeping my nose out of his business. Also by being a good wife to my current spouse and a good mother to our children. How do I validate my amends to the bosses who didn’t know they were harmed? I get to work on time, give 8 hours work for 8 hours pay, try to be a blessing to my boss and co-workers rather than a burden, and never, ever, say anything bad about my former employers.
Is it working? I pass huge milestones this fall — 5 years of continuous occupancy of one residence (8/29), 7 years of continuous marriage to one human being (9/5), 7 years of continuous employment with one employer (11/12), 16 years of responsible parenting (11/8), and 27 years of continuous recovery (11/19). I’m one of those for whom the promises are being fulfilled “sometimes slowly”, contingent on my footwork. Thank you for all the gifts you have given me!
Thanks to everyone who has shared so far today. I always hear what I need to hear when I am listening to a bunch of alcoholics. My higher power makes that possible.
I get a lot of practice at the 9th (and 10th) steps because I still struggle with relationships. Perhaps, the most challenging of those relationships right now is with my teenager, who knows everything and never, yes I mean never, does anything wrong. As I watch him go through his young life, I am reminded of myself at that age and even later in the throes of my “dis-ease” with life. Wow! That is scary but also instructive.
Today, I am very grateful that my higher power has made it possible for me to be able to see these behaviors in myself and has brought me to AA, where I have received a simple spiritual toolbox that I can use to clean up my side of the relationship issues that I encountered in my past and well as in my present daily life.
I am also grateful to discover this site this morning. It cannot replace my usual face-to-face morning meeting, but on those mornings when I cannot get to that meeting, I am happy to know you all are here. Thanks for being here today.
Lyby, you really have been blessed. It is “informative” to look back and see the wrecks that we have helped create. I went through two 9 yr marriages, and the third one – now 21 yrs is not great – but I can work to improve it.
Welcome Rhonda. Any and every relationship presents its
difficult. [we are amazed when a relationship actually works] When you have done the best you can, you have done your best – the rest is up to your higher power.
Cleaning up my side of the street while making amends means that I take responsibilty for myself and do not look to someone else to find blame or share the fault with. It is about acknowledging the things that I did wrong to someone else so that I may have a clear conscience.
There are times where we know through experience the errors of others and can and should help them when we can (especially if asked) but that is another step isn’t it? Sponsees and newcomers need the help to look honestly at themselves. Today’s Reflection is not about turning a blind eye to helping others but it’s not to be done while making an amend, either a living amend nor a direct one.
I am the only problem I have, however remembering this simple revelation sometimes becomes a big problem! Acceptance is the answer, not to forget to mention gratitude, trust God, help others.
If you don’t give it away, you can’t keep it! The Fellowship IN A.A. has truly become a refuge from this cruel world I live in. Someone said the other day that one half of the people in the world will not like me, so if I like myself, that means more than half the people in the world like me! wow thats awesome to know! 9 mo. 2 days without drink, thank God.