We are sure that humility, expressed by anonymity, is the greatest safeguard that Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have. 12 & 12, p.187
Since there are no rules in A.A. I place myself where I want to be, and so I choose anonymity. I want my God to use me, humbly, as one of His tools in this program. Sacrifice is the art of giving of myself freely, allowing humility to replace my ego. With sobriety, I suppress that urge to cry out to the world, “I am a member of A.A.” and I experience inner joy and peace. I let people see the changes in me and hope they will ask what happened to me. I place the principles of spirituality ahead of judging, fault-finding, and criticism. I want love and caring in my group, so I can grow.
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I post this for you today to remind myself that even after a year of sobriety I must not ever forget how easy it is to slip. This is a thing that I wrote when I was still very ill. I read it now and again to remember; not to recall. I believe the message is universal, wether you are an alchaholic or a drug addict the despair is the same, the hellish journey back to wholeness begins for most of us all the same way. Physically sick and full of despair. I have heard it said often that this is a forgetting disease, we get sober and we forget the he’ll we lived in, recalling only the fleeting moments when we thought we were enjoying it, so read this and remember.
Prison without Bars
You lie in bed,
you tremble and sweat.
It’s your very existence
you’ve come to regret.
You knew the result,
you knew the stakes;
every joint hurts,
your whole body aches.
Your breathing is heavy,
you’re coughing and weazing,
your stomach’s in a knot
and you feel like you’re freezing.
You feel like you’re dyeing,
your whole body is sore.
One thing is for sure:
You’re a prisoner of war.
Your emotions run high,
the fear is so real.
You don’t have enough strength,
not even to cry.
You have no money,
to cure this fit.
You have nothing to trade,
for just one more hit.
You need it so bad,
as you pray for another.
You’d do whatever it takes,
you’d even sell your mother.
It’s taken control
over your useless life.
It plays many roles,
at times, it’s even your wife.
It has no conscience,
it knows no ends.
It’s made you give up on your family,
and turn your back on your friends.
It’s the best friend
you’ve ever known.
It made you believe lies,
that your never alone.
The love left your heart,
there’s no life in your eyes,
you lay here trembling,
this is your very own demise.
You made it an oath,
to always be true.
You’re hopelessly addicted
to what it does for you.
**************
So, here you are,
lying in bed,
dope had deserted you,
and left you for dead.
Your mind is aching,
you’re seeing stars,
you’re now held captive
in a prison without bars.
The saddest part is,
you know it won’t end.
The very next day,
you’ll do it again.
Come hail or snow,
sunshine or rain,
you’ll find yourself once again
putting a hole in your vein.
With each new hit,
death comes on slow,
but the human part of you,
died long ago.
you used to get off on it,
it was such a blast;
but with every hit now,
you pray it’s your last.
Your habit is hungry,
and it wants to be fed;
lying in agony,
you wish you were dead.
You were foretold in the future,
but you didn’t heed it,
now, all you can do is wonder,
‘where’s death when I need it?’
Strange, strange, strange = change, change, change.
“If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got.”
This seems to be some kind of immutable law in this universe.
It is generally true but not true in the reality that in this disease it was not what I always got; quite often it was worse than what I had gotten before.
At the beginning of my last two week binge I can see myself as a man with his head in his hands crying out, ‘I have to have peace’.
Something had to change or life was not worth continuing to live.
I came face-to-face with new concepts, new ideas about living life that was to take me to a higher plane of existence.
This higher plane of existence was what Carl Yung was thinking of when he said alcoholics are some of the most spiritual people in the world.
Weren’t we striving for a higher level of being?
Anonymity, the ridiculous idea of giving without any expectation of getting something in return was one of these alien ideas.
Anyway, I started trying it but I must say that my selfish ego was expecting that I would feel better because of it. That still is probably my underlying motive but placed in the surrounding spirituality of a more abundant life this ceases to be selfish, especially when it is oriented as heavily as I can humanly make it for the benefit of others.
God, on this Earth was totally oriented towards the salvation of others.
A worthwhile role model!
I’m Harry, sometimes a verbose alcoholic.
I needed to hear that this morning. After many relapses in the past few years this time is different since I am working the steps this time, I had never done that until this year. But all my friends and family have no reason to believe me if I were to tell them that this time is different, ya know? I just have to live it and leave what people think about me in God’s hands. Thank God for AA!!