LIGHTENING THE BURDEN

Conundrum or paradox — suffering shared is the least haved but suffering retained is thousands of times heavier.

“We are as sick as a darkest secrets”.

When I started sharing these things with another person as well as with God I yet remember the tremulousness.
But I followed the advice that one who had gone before me gave me, “Do whatever they tell you”.

I’m Harry, a lighter alcoholic.

The theraputic value of one alchaholic helping another is without parallell. It is true, those of us who have lived painful lives are usually left with a deeply powerful desire to help others. The truth of this lies in the fact that  alot of us in our pain have caused so much pain. Alot of it unintentionally but nevertheless it takes more than just amends to heal ourselves. Those who love us are ready to forgive us, even anxious to forgive us for our selfish  and hateful ways,  the true challenge lies in self forgiveness. Our true friends and family will easily come to a place of understanding once we show that we are taking steps to improve ourselves. Alas it is our own internal voice that we have to quiet, we are withoutfail our own worst enemy when it comes to self forgiveness .  Historically we have not allowed ourselves to forgive ourselves, this is withoutfail our hardest task as it is rooted in our own self esteem. We must first convince ourselves that we are worth our own forgiveness. Many times those around us have already forgiven  us and moved in while we still carry a deep sense of guilt and shame. These two emotions are likened to a viral infection, as they can spread in to all aspects of our recovery and it is these two emotions that we must defeat. Therefore by reaching out to others and helpingpeople we begin to rebuild out self worth, the most important aspect of recovery is healing . The most important healing must be the healing of ourselves, of course in our inability to forgive ourselves we tend to concentrate on healing the relationships we have with others when really we can not have any lasting change until we forgive our own selves. When we spend time outside of ourselves helping others, we are not looking at our selves, there is no time for that inner voice to whisper to us that we are not worth it, we are focused on the task at hand and after when  we are alone with our thoughts again hearing that inner voice we can assuage our inner critic with the fact that I  helping others now so I am now making a positive effect on the world. This allows us the chance to sit with at least some self acceptance, which in turn  allows us to stop persecuting ourselves for past mistakes long enough to let our psyche heal a little at a time.  Of course sharing our burdens with others is always beneficial, we know this to be fact but as we move along the road of recovery we are constantly reminded of the past, our connection to others is what keeps us firmly planted inthe road of recovery.

Sunshine has arrived, the early morning commuters slide by in their cars all filled with sunglasses and radiant smiles reflecting the promise of summer. I sit quietly as they roll by praying for the sun to soak in to me and release the ache in my bones. The traffic has a way of making you feel disconnected, like  you are in the midst of something that has no effect on you; sort of like Benito as he walks through hell in Dantes inferno. Surrounded by a cacophane of insanity and pain but
 he travels through it unscathed stopping only to marvel at the misfortune of those caught there for eternity. I like this idea of being on the periphery, nobody to bother me or juxtapose  unwanted useless diatrabes of thoughts in my head. Nobody to cluck their tongues at the pills I gobble up for my breakfast every morning. Like the astronauts of the seventies, taking their meals in pill form. However it is not without it’s downside this feeling of unvonnectedness,a continuos feeling that nags at me saying that I am missing out on something. Truly it can become annoying yet when I reach out to do something about it I am invariably saddened by the options. Lol, like David Bowie in The Man Who Fell To Earth, I move through the crowds like an alien. Disjointed an outsider seeking understanding but not really looking to reciprocate, no longer willing to partake in the exchange of energy needed to maintain a human relatinship
In fact unable to because there is no understanding of the rituals involved. Leading too the conclusion that people can be like cruel cattle locked in a tight tiny circle of awareness within themselves unable to see the connection their humanity invites them to share.
Merrily floating along in their own cells, constantly moving past and around one another but never really connecting, just like the endless flow of morning traffic, swishing past eachother locked in a box, never really connecting, but sometimes with the window rolled down they will speak in to another plastic box answering the new age dillemma of “would you like frys with that?” As if this is some holy question or lament that can only be answered with the utmost of care and consideration; lest one end up making the wrong choice and be left with unfathomable consequences. So we carry on on the roads we have made to connect us together but serve to keep us locked in to our personal boxes of plastic and metal, obeying the laws of the road as if these are the rules of edicat and human interaction and not rules for driving our cars. It seems sad and a little funny how we can all be packed in to concentrated areas and still be so damned alone. Maybe this is a condition that is only in my experience, perhaps I am to blame as much as you for creating this but I just wonder if we new this would we even bother to change it? Somehow I doubt it; for me this has become the basis of my own journey, life seems to move forward with it’s own volition, not bothering to explain itself, defeating itself in it’s own arrogance.