Sometimes A.A. comes harder to those who have lost or rejected faith than to those who never had any faith at all, for they think they have faith and found it wanting. They have tried the way of faith and the way of no faith. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 28
I was so sure God had failed me that I became ultimately defiant, though I knew better, and plunged into a final drinking binge. My faith turned bitter and that was no coincidence. Those who once had great faith hit bottom harder. It took time to rekindle my faith, though I came to A.A. I was grateful intellectually to have survived such a great fall, but my heart felt callous. Still, I stuck with the A.A. program; the alternatives were too bleak! I kept coming back and gradually my faith was resurrected.
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When I first got sober, my Higher Power was Alcoholics Anonymous — I studied the books, read the history, went to lots of conferences — which gave me the courage to keep the plug in the jug one day at a time. About 5 years sober I went through a “too busy” phase and didn’t go to meetings; through the pain I realized I needed the fellowship of AA as much as I needed the literature. By the time I was fifteen years sober, I had substituted the Individuals in AA for a Higher Power because it was easier to just ask somebody what to do than to genuinely develop a relationship with a God I didn’t understand. It wasn’t until the break up of an AA romance at 18 years sober caused me to “lose” my sponsor, my home group, several pigeons, and my best friend. In a small town with only 3 meetings per week within 30 miles, it was quite an alienating shock. I am grateful today for the spiritual bottom that forced me to find a Higher Power “without any skin on it”. I am grateful that AA is all over the place, some groups/individuals actually practice the principles and traditions, and today I have a loving and disciplined relationship with a Higher Power that I still don’t understand but no longer have to fight.
In the last few years I have been priviledged to watch and encourage other “old timers” as they go through this part of the process. I don’t “want” for anything anymore.
Yea so true, before AA, I had been forced into church many times. When I came to the rooms, I thought I knew everything, mainly that God was for weaklings with a fear of having fun. Little did I know what I was missing-Love! I had been running from it, but God waited patiently for me with open arms. I am truely a greatful alcoholic today…